Tonic Talk #1: The Super Bowl

In which J and I discuss overalls, Bridget Moynahan, and the sartorial merits of “eye black.”

Tom Brady_eye black

Image adapted from Keith Allison’s photo here.

E: Can I just begin by asking: why do we have a Super Bowl?

J: To have another venue in which Beyonce can perform? Also who is performing at the halftime show this year? I feel that is the part of the Super Bowl we will be most invested in. Besides our huge Patriots-Seahawks rivalry. Famed among those who know us.

E: I was going to suggest it was yet another socially acceptable outlet for heteronormative ritualized violence, but—

J: Anthropologically speaking, that’s exactly what it is. You are on the ball (???) I am so struggling to make a sports metaphor. Literally losing my faculties in an attempt to discuss football.

E: I like Beyonce as a reason though. And honestly I think we as a culture need her more than we need an outlet for ritualized violence.

J: Beyonce does represent the next stage in human evolution.

E: To continue, I think (meaning I have discerned from random audio overheard at Planet Fitness) that there is controversy related to the footballs the Patriots used in their last game. I think people believe they deflated them which makes them easier to handle in rain. Or something.

J: That does ring a bell. I’ve heard a lot of talk about Tom Brady having to defend the size of his balls. Crude jokes of the type that heteronormatives tend to make.

E: Agree. Also, I just want to give Bridget Moynahan more of a voice in this conversation. Because before it was Tom + Gisele it was totally Tom + Bridget and I think people forget. Which is to say Tom Brady has no trouble in the balls department.

J: We are definitely appealing to our massive Super Bowl fan demographic with these jokes. I love it. Also, wasn’t Bridget Moynahan the woman who played Natasha on Sex and the City? Aka the (why am I forgetting her name) to Carrie’s Katie?

E: Ugh The Way We Were slays me. I don’t recall her name either. [Ed. Note: it’s Carol Ann]. But you are totally right, Bridget is Natasha in SATC, which I had forgotten.

I feel like there is something telling in the fact that Natasha only ever wore like pristine whites vs. Tom Brady’s job is to tarnish his clothes with grass stains.

J: Tom Brady would definitely not be allowed on the beige furniture. He and Harry would have to have like a second apartment separate from their wives where they could hang out getting grass and teabag stains all over garishly printed furniture.

E: Oh absolutely. I feel like they would maybe watch the Super Bowl in said apartment.

J: Do you think they would invite any of the other SATC men? Like Aidan wouldn’t go, but maybe Steve would? He’s a bit of a wildcard.

Also, in completely unrelated news/relevant to us news, I totally saw the actor that played terrible Richard at Erewhon the other day. He looked like the kind of man who would break Kim Cattrall’s heart (but not really, because she is an independent lady).

E: Can the halftime show just be Kim standing there while we all absorb her spirit?

J: If that was what the Super Bowl was like, I would watch it every year.

E: Also, I quite like the sub-argument you’ve raised, which is is Aidan Shaw a man who watches the Super Bowl?

J: It could really go either way. Because he is like a sensitive, furniture-making type, but also enjoys eating fried chicken in bed. I think he probably does, but I don’t think he would watch it with Tom and Harry.

E: Was there a television in that cabin? My mind is clouded by the sartorial genius of Carrie’s overalls in that episode, one of the few times in which overalls have been correctly styled for television.

J: SO TRUE. I just want to discuss the sartorial triumphs and pitfalls of overalls with you all day long. To answer your question, I do not think there was a television. If there was, maybe Carrie would have been a little less whiny?

E: I actually don’t see Carrie as much of a TV girl, but I do think he should have arranged for French Vogue to be delivered to the cabin tout de suite.

J: She could have at least watched the gay porn given to her by the hot Australian man who tried to steal her friendship away from Stanford. Agreed on the French Vogue front, though.

E: QUITE true. Also, I’ve decided Aidan might be the type who incidentally absorbs the Super Bowl when it’s playing at that bar he and Steve own—Scout?

J: (yes, named after Steve’s dog)

E: —but he is not going to like leave the cabin to see it. Also, thank you.

J: I think that’s an accurate assessment of his Super Bowl interest.

E: To come full circle, I would actually consider attending the Super Bowl if they made copies of French Vogue available to me there.

J: What if there was also some sort of Project Runway show during halftime? All the designers could make Super Bowl-inspired outfits and then Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn could poll the audience and the winning designer would win whatever trophy/award is given to the winning football team. And also, a lifetime subscription to French Vogue. Also, John Corbett would present the awards. Can we curate the Super Bowl next year is really what I think we are both getting at…

E: A halftime Project Runway is genius. The football field is the original catwalk. There are so many parallels.

J: So. Many. Parallels. Also, I think we can all agree that Gisele will not be invited to our halftime runway show.

E: Yes. I think there’s really nothing to say after that. I think we have arrived at the natural conclusion of this conversation.

J: Agreed. Perhaps we should end with a little fanning of the flames of rivalry between us? Russell Wilson is going to throw so well or something. He doesn’t care at all about Tom Brady’s balls. They mean nothing to him.

E: I had to google image who Russell Wilson was and I concluded that when he paints those varsity stripe-esque things under his eyes they suit him. It’s fitting.

Also, the Patriots coach has been looking really angry which means he’s doing a lot of planning which means I think maybe we’ll win. Probably. This is as close as I can get to incensed.

J: I thought looking angry was just a natural state for Boston sports players/affiliates/fans. Also, I felt your rage. The rage was real. And I just googled Russell Wilson too and I think he def pulls off the varsity stripes thingies.

E: Is there a more sartorial word for those?

J: Unclear. “What is the name of those black under eye stripes?” is my second favourite thing I’ve googled today. My favourite was “Does the Trader Joe’s in DC sell cold-pressed juice?”

E: According to internet, it’s “eye black.”

Also, do they?

J: Okay, I have definitely heard that before. And unclear again on the Trader Joe’s DC cold-pressed juice situation. I am still looking into it. I may reach out to some of my contacts there before I arrive.

E: Please keep me apprised. Now that we have learned information that is actually meaningful, ie new fashion words and potential new sources of juice, I think we have truly come to the conclusion of our informed sports discussion.

J: I think we are ready to Super Bowl, as the fans say. The natural conclusion has been reached and all the pertinent information has been thoroughly dissected.

E: See you this Sunday in Aidan’s cabin? Eye black optional? French Vogue non-optional?

J: I’ll bring the overalls.

What does everyone else think? Would Aidan Shaw be a man who watches the Super Bowl? Is the football field the original catwalk?

DC-based readers, does the Trader Joe’s there actually sell cold-pressed juice?

One thought on “Tonic Talk #1: The Super Bowl

  1. Amory McFarland says:

    A few thoughts… Although NY hipster Aidan would be aware of the game -it might actually become his muse as he hand carves a beautiful custom made wooden bowl entitled “Ode to CB”. Big on the other hand would invite other men to watch “THE BOWL” on his brand new curved 6ftx6ft curved plasma TV – no doubt recently installed in his new customized man cave.

    Liked by 1 person

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