Because the limits of our iMessage are the limits of our world.
One need only engage with iMessage for a moment to realize there are many issues with the suite of emojis that is presently on offer. As addressing every issue (racism, xenophobia, heteronormativity…) is a job for an entire blog unto itself, I have chosen here to focus on a small subset of the problem that feels most close to home: the inability of present emojis to capture the day-to-day realities of life as a modern lady.
In an effort to be proactive, I have taken the liberty of constructing a list of what I believe to be the most vital additions. Be advised that I have spent the better part of a Bolt Bus ride crafting these ideas, and feel it is not beyond the pale to claim my suggestions aptly capture 99% of modern womanhood.
Six Emoji Ideas for Modern Ladies
As it stands, the emoji liquor cabinet is paltry. There is beer, a martini, red wine, and some sort of fruity cocktail with lime. While I fully respect one’s right to consume these beverages, it has been my personal experience that I am more likely to be drinking white wine at any given moment. Having an emoji to communicate this fact would simplify my conversations about groceries, and allow me to more clearly articulate my specific needs to those around me.
Shoes that are not hideous
While I accept that I may pay more attention to footwear than any other human on the planet, I think every modern woman deserves the option to represent herself with cute shoes in her electronic communications. At the moment, the options available to us are tacky red heels, boots that feel confused, and hideous tan sandals that don’t even warrant a spot on the Nordstrom sale rack. Would it be so difficult for the folks at Apple to partner with Kurt Geiger to create shoe emojis that humans actually want to wear? At the very least this should be made into a Project Runway challenge.
Let’s cut the crap. I’m 25. My heart has been through some shit. You think a gauche shade of violet is going to represent that? I think I speak for all women when I say that giving us a black heart emoji is like giving Fiona Apple a microphone.
The fact that there is a fried chicken emoji and not an avocado speaks volumes about modern dietary culture. While I’d like to say that adding one avocado would be enough, I’m going to be
aggressive reasonable and ask for something that my friend Julia proposed: a suite of avocado emojis. Having a variety of these symbols at my disposal would not only allow me to write my avocado toast haikus with ease, but would enable me to create a sort of morse code wherein I send every message using a string of carefully constructed avocado symbols. I am confident coded communications of this nature would bring the late Alan Turing to his knees.
By my count, there exist eight different balls (soccer ball, baseball, etc.) in the emoji sports section. There is also a golf course. All I am asking for is a lone amethyst I can occasionally text to my friends as a token of protection and healing.
As J has so eloquently articulated, the import of the Vitamix in one’s life cannot be overstated. Having a Vitamix emoji is therefore common sense. I am beyond confident that its presence would add beauty and ease to every conversation, and help us all create more complex dialogues related to our professional goals and spiritual beliefs.
ps: The image above was made during a Stronger Women Stronger World camp organized by my friends Rachel, Beth, and Lizzie in Malaysia. Everything about the camp, and those ladies, kicks ass.