Because our current emoji options have failed to plumb the depths of our dark, dark souls.
I was inspired by E’s post on Six (Much Needed) Emoji Ideas for Modern Ladies to share my ideas for what I like to call dark emojis. The current crop of emojis that are available to us simply do not satisfy our needs as human beings trying to communicate with each other in a vast and chaotic world. Mostly, they are just too cute.
While I do enjoy the (somewhat tame) knife emoji that is on offer, the other emojis in this theme are decidedly basic. I would like to suggest a few emojis that could expand our arsenal and allow us to express our darker tendencies. And more succinctly threaten our enemies.
Six emoji ideas for modern ladies with dark souls
A jar of poison
Poison is the preferred method of killing for women, according to me and other women with whom I have discussed this. Poison is calculated. Poison is basically nonviolent. Poison is smart. A jar of poison emoji would be just the thing I could use to rattle someone who was not taking me seriously.
a black cat + the witches from macbeth
It truly shocks me that these two emojis do not exist. These emojis could be used separately or together, depending on the texter’s intentions, and both would make excellent warning signs to those who would wish to do you harm. Alternatively, I would accept a Bellatrix Lestrange emoji.
a knife hovering above an unnervingly large pool of blood
As I mentioned earlier, I find the current knife emoji very tame. It could easily be used to ask someone to chop vegetables or buy new knives or for a wealth of other knife-related but non-threatening purposes. What we really need is an emoji that draws a line in the sand. I want a knife emoji that clearly says if you don’t chop up the vegetables for our vegetarian ratatouille before I get home, there will be consequences.
Because who could terrify men more than Rosamund Pike’s Amazing Amy except, perhaps, Glenn Close’s Alex Forest? Just think how chic a Rosamund Pike Amazing Amy emoji would be. And then consider its versatility. Is someone obliquely referring to you as a cool girl? Chill them into silence with Amazing Amy. Is your husband having an affair with one of his students? Throw down Amazing Amy and see how quickly his libido dries up. Is an old flame forcing you to stay in their creepy mountain cabin while also attempting to ply you with silk negligees and ice cream? Send them Amazing Amy and see how quickly they let you leave for fear of being stabbed to death mid-coitus (use the knife hovering above an unnervingly large pool of blood emoji if necessary). Is the ghost of Neil Patrick Harris haunting your phone? Exorcise him with Amazing Amy.
Inspired by the classic short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, this emoji would be just the thing to warn your patriarchal husband/ doctor (who is always trying to get you institutionalized for hysteria) that you are aware of their intentions and are planning a counterattack.
beating heart under a floorboard
This Edgar Allen Poe inspired emoji would be the perfect warning to overnight guests, particularly potential paramours, to treat you and your home with respect.
P.S: The image at the top of the post is a negative space drawing of a human skeleton that I did in a high school art class.