Tonic Talk #5: Rewriting Season Seven of Gilmore Girls

In which we discuss how the show should have ended and how we would revise the storylines of several major characters. Including Michel, because we know that’s who you all really care about. 

gilmore girls

Stars Hollow or a lot on the WB campus in LA?

E: My first issue with the way Gilmore Girls concludes is that it forces a binary that I despise: Rory is essentially asked to choose a prototypical relationship with a male, or career freedom. And when she protests, suggesting to Logan that a modern lady can have both/ why don’t they try the “long-distance” thing, Logan refuses. Which just proves what a poor match Logan was and WHY HE DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE IN Season Seven.

J: Season Seven is just so completely tone-deaf. It also pains me to see Lauren Graham struggle with sub par dialogue, because you can see it in her eyes and it hurts her. Let us keep Lauren Graham in a beautiful, glowing orb in which she only acts in shows that are worthy of her talent.

But, to your point re: the binary and Logan. What should have happened is that Rory should have dumped him and spent Season Seven writing and having the occasional sexual encounter with Jess. Jess would have supported her decision to take the job on the Obama campaign trail.

E: One can only hope that Jess is moonlighting on an even more alternative campaign trail himself at the conclusion of Season Seven, and he and Rory’s paths will cross for steamy encounters in cheap hotels. It will be much like George Clooney’s Ides of March but without a lot of the inaccurate political reality.

J: Clooney and Logan should really go in one corner and Amal and Lauren in another.

E: There is a binary I can get behind.

J: Okay so in our alternate seventh season, Logan goes to work on the set of a George Clooney film at the beginning and is never heard from again. Amal comes to stay at the Dragonfly and she decides to defend Luke in the custody battle over April cementing her permanent place in Star’s Hollow and in our hearts.

E: Genius. A true human rights battle of our time.

J: Do you subscribe to the theory that April was added by Amy Sherman-Palladino in the sixth season as sort of a jumping-the-shark move? That she wanted to sabotage the show in protest before she left?

E: I have read some blogs that lay out the arguments for that, and I’ve decided to believe it’s not true. I don’t want to tarnish Amy’s writing for the show in any way. Though if a sly lady like herself wanted to make an artistic statement to the idiots who didn’t offer the gem in front of them a two-year contract, I don’t think it would be wrong.

J: It is a tough one. April is terrible, but with April came April’s mother played by Sherilyn Fenn aka Audrey from Twin Peaks (which will be a part of a later discussion we have on Gilmore Girls-Twin Peaks crossovers).

E: Regardless, I don’t think April needed a place in Season Seven.

J: True. Hence the shipping of them off to New Mexico, which was not a bad idea on the part of the Writers-Who-Were-Not-Amy, who are in the same league as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

E: Are you satisfied with the way Lorelai and Luke’s relationship ultimately plays out?

J: I am certainly glad that they ended up together. They challenge each other in significant ways. In my dream Gilmore land, Luke and Lorelai do not break up at the end of Season Six and, instead, Season Seven ends with Lorelai giving birth to a new Gilmore girl. Or boy. I go back and forth on that.

E: Very similar move to what happens in The Princess Diaries. In that case it’s a boy. Female protagonist leaves her mother to pursue world domination and mother finds ideal, challenging life partner with whom to raise another perfect human vessel. It is not a bad plot line in the least.

J: Can we discuss the storylines of a few other secondary characters and how they should have been handled? For instance, there is Lane’s crummy storyline that we need to resolve.

E: Oh Jesus, Lane. Where to begin. I’m glad Lane was never written out of the show, but she was definitely tossed aside in later seasons. The sassy rebel we are introduced to in Season One has nothing to do with the domestic box they force her into by the end of the show. What should they have done, I’m wondering?

J: I am just going to put this out there: I am not a fan of the Lane-Zach pairing. I think that’s where the trouble starts with that character.

E: Lane gets with Zach = Lane’s self-actualization process halts.

J: Exactly. She was just starting to have a life separate from her mother, coming to terms with what it means to be an artist, and also developing a complex relationship with said mother.

E: In many ways, Lane and Logan have much more in common. Both have struggled to break out of relationships with parents putting tons of pressure on them, and both have rebelled over the course of the show to varying degrees of success. I would’ve loved Lane sleeping with Logan after Rory rejects him earlier on in the season, causing a more real wrinkle in Rory and Lane’s relationship in a way that would feel human and force actual development to the fore.

J: And maybe they would have naturally drifted apart more? I think that would have been a much more nuanced route for their relationship to take.

Another character that I would like to have seen some resolution with is Michel. Being somewhat serious here, but I think they should have just revealed that he is actually straight. I do not think that character is gay (as many do). I think the show should have ended with him revealing a secret wife who bears a striking resemblance to Celine Dion. Not unlike what happens to Liam Neeson’s character in Love Actually.

E: In the right lighting and with different hair, Christiane Amanpour bears a certain resemblance. Why is she really at the Dragonfly, hm? Smarter writers would’ve gone there.

J: GENIUS. You, over there. That is what you are. They would make such a chic pair bond.

E: Exactly. All of Michel’s tasteful and on-point cultural references. Where have they been coming from all these seasons?

J: From Christiane, naturally. And from conversations with his equally chic mother who only makes one appearance in the show, which is simply not enough.

What about how the show leaves one of its other most significant relationships: Lorelai and Emily? Is it given enough attention? Is it not? Should there be more martinis (always)?

E: Lorelai and Emily are one of the few relationships that I thought ended perfectly. I felt it had fundamentally shifted since the beginning of the show, but wasn’t so different that I didn’t recognize it. Emily’s manipulative suggestions that the Dragonfly build a spa masquerading as a ploy to get more time with her daughter seemed on-point and true to her character.

I do, however, wish Emily had not advised Rory to marry Logan. I believe her language is, “Why not, he’s a Huntzberger?” I’d like to have seen Rory push her grandmother to progress a little more.

J: I agree on how the show handled Lorelai and Emily. I think it also did due justice to the other most significant relationship: Rory and Paris.

E: I was going to suggest one way Rory could’ve done this is by saying she saw a much more suitable and realistic future partner in Paris.

J: They just make so much sense together. If Gilmore Girls was a more progressive show, it would have gone there. Paris was the only one that truly challenged Rory. I’m trying to find a great piece in the Toast about this very topic that I know we have both read. Here it is.

E: Yes. That piece is just so on-point in every way (save for I differ on Jess).

J: I also love that it puts that fencing scene in the proper context. It is sexually charged. There’s no doubt about that. Also, a key point, Rory and Paris never once fight over a boy. Tristan does not count as Rory was never interested in him and made that very clear from the beginning.

E: Agree. I think Paris is one of the most realistic characters written for television in recent history. Also one of the most progressive–not in her personal views, but in what she represents and who she’s allowed to be.

J: Absolutely. Paris and Rory 4ever&ever.

E: I kind of want to end there. Maybe we can recap some suggestions in bullet form from above?

J: Yes, let’s.

major plot points of gimore girls’ season seven in tonic world:

  • No more Logan, or at least no more Logan early on. Possibly Logan pursues Lane after Rory spurns him earlier in the season after realizing he is putting her in a binary box that is unrealistic and dated. Potential Logan-Lane relationship widens natural gulf between Rory and Lane, rightly knocks Zach out of picture, and forces nuanced character development representative of real adulthood on all sides.
  • Rory remains ostensibly single, with the thought of a long-term Paris relationship ever present in her mind, though her and Paris’s is a relationship for the ages and as such there’s no need to jump on it. There may, however, be a need to jump on Jess, as he’s working for an alt-political campaign and provides much needed sex/stress-relief for Rory when they meet up beneath the greasy lights of Motel 6 bedrooms on the campaign trail.
  • Paris goes to India where Doyle is summarily killed off by a combination of disease and possibly poison. She can return to Rory at the end of the summer and the two can realize their full potential as independent ladies who challenge each other intellectually and sexually.
  • Amal Alamuddin occasionally drops by Stars Hollow to stir things up. She, Michel, and Christiane Amanpour form a salon to which no one is invited but Emily, Maury, and the town troubadour.
  • This “salon” is possibly the real one Emily was referring to in conjunction with the Dragonfly. Emily has actually become a lot more progressive than she’s let on over the course of the show, and is encouraging all the DAR ladies to attend underground salon meetings on a biweeky basis.
  • Richard takes up a new hobby. He opens his own Etsy shop in which he sells handmade bow ties decorated with quotes from Mencken and Cervantes.
  • Lorelai and Luke stay together without the drama and hysterics. Lorelai remains in control of the Dragonfly, and they find a way to grow as business partners given their combined success rates in bringing small businesses to fruition in a town where that’s got to be difficult.
  • Possibly Lorelai and Luke adopt a child Paris brings back from India. This is part of the impetus for Rory’s realization that Paris is her sole true match.
  • Christopher raises Gigi on his own and self-actualizes without destroying his relationships with Lorelai or Rory. He provides funds for everyone’s education as he realizes his intelligence is best when outsourced.
  • Sookie and Jackson continue to grow beautiful vegetables and children.

What do you think, Gilmore Girls fans? We can sense that there are some Logan-shippers out there who are ready to give us their perspective.

xox J & E

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