E’s hypothetical rap battle between a penguin and a Shell oil executive

It’s been a while–my apologies.  To make up for it, here’s a hypothetical rap battle between a penguin and a Shell oil executive. You’re welcome.


For years I have been repping, yo my penguin tux on fleek

But you oil-loving homies make my outfit game go weak

You see the slick riding my coattails, you be thinking that’s legit

But the truth is that the shine is what is making my life shit

All the oil that you drill for, it screws up my way of life

Threatening my brothers and the ladies they wan’ wife

Spillin left and right when all your barges tippin’ over

Don’t you see it’s our backyard and bro we don’t got four-leaf clover

Oil Exec:

It’s not exactly easy to clear oil spills off ice

And don’t you get that oil is a motherfucking vice?

We need it for our Caddys and our Bentleys and our Benz

and politically we need it to ensure we’ve got some friends

It’s true that oil drilling’s an imperfect operation

But the Shell crew’s at the forefront of this delicate equation

If you check our web resources you and all the birds can see

That we’ve made some dope improvement in spill rates statistically


If you want to game the numbers, you can be my goddamn guest

But I’d like to redirect you to the toxins on my chest

When I’m covered in your oil, there can’t be no respiration

This nasty cloak of darkness, the root cause of my frustration

It’s not enough to state that you gon’ try and make improvement

You need to wrap your mind around a more enlightened movement

It’s time for you to stand up with your oil homes and say

That the drills in our backyard are gon’ clear on out today

Oil Exec:

Yo we can’t just “clear on out” cause what you’re asking is too much

For both gentlemen and ladies oil’s acting as a crutch

We need that viscous liquid like Obama needs vacation

We use it for our food, our fuel, and–fuck yeah lubrication

Like that sure thing in our iPhone we ain’t gon’ let her go

Petroleum’s our mistress and girl gives a hella show

She’s hydrophobic, lipophilic, slippery and wet

So get lost–go take your problems to the goddamn penguin vet

xox E

ps: I just wrote this in like an hour, more lines are welcome.

pps: Should this perhaps become a series?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s